Welcome To The Inside Of My Head!!

I just want to thank you for taking out the time to read my thoughts.



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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Be careful what you ask for you just might get it.

Sometimes it takes a disagreement to find out if someone is really your friend. You confide in someone that you deem trustworthy with your deepest darkest secrets, your every thought or emotions. Just for them to turn it around and throw it right back into your face. It's odd how you think you know someone but you never really truly know them.
I was friends with someone for well over six years. A female friend. She was already iffy from jump but I gave her a chance anyway despite warnings. She was the complete opposite of me but we got along. I'm an open book, outgoing, sometimes overly friendly, people like talking to me, and I think I'm funny. I am very giving always helping others. I try to find the good in people. I give everyone a chance until they show me that they are not worthy of my time. I don't judge people based on their appearance I judge them on how they treat me. She use to tell me stop being so nice to people and fuck people etc etc So...anywho..as a mother with twins I don't have time to hang out, party and waste money on expensive restaurants etc etc. My friend use to get upset and run to facebook every time I couldn't hang saying she needs new friends her friends suck because they dont have time for her. This continued every time I couldn't make an outting or had to cancel due to lack of babysitter but never once did she include them or just come by my house just to hang. I have done that numerous times. We work for the same company but she didn't work at the same location as me. Now she does. It's embarrassing how one day your coworkers come up to you asking if things are ok with you and so and so because your friend posted this and that on facebook. So when I got home I text her I love her because maybe she was having a bad day. She didn't respond. I looked at her page and saw insulting memes from throughout the day then she posted something along the lines of not having any real friends, they are all phony and dont spend time with her. She posted this a few minutes after I texted her I love her. I was so annoyed with it because I recall missing a whole day of work and playing hooky on my sitter so I could spend the whole day with her. I recall spending well over $250 for her birthday recently. I guess my time and efforts were phony and weren't real?? I text her sorry you feel that way. If that's the case then I can delete your number out of my phone and delete you from facebook etc etc. She responded to that immediately she told me to be sure to delete her whole family too. I thought she was kidding. She then continued with verbally abusing me, calling me fat, miserable, telling me to kill myself and a whole lot of other things to get a rise out of me. In the end I remained respectful to her. I genuinely cared about her and loved her because she was my friend.  I'm the type of person that never likes to leave things bad on my end. She said so many hurtful things to me that I could never forgive her for. That moment when someone goes too far! She knew I had issues with my weight since having twins. I've been eating better and losing weight slowly. My father killed himself six years ago in september. I struggled with depression and contemplated suicide after my failed relationship with the twins dad. I also hit a downward spiral with a tad bit of postpartum depression that I seeked spiritual guidance for after failing a suicide attempt. So it was totally a jab in the heart for her to say that because I am happy to be alive. Can't believe I got to that point where I almost went away. Couldn't imagine how that wouldve affected my amazingly wonderful children. Needless to say I'm on my journey of living a positive life. I asked the universe to get rid of all of the negative things and people in my life and it worked. Be careful who you call your friends people. Focus on the good in the world. Avoid people that never have nice things to say. Always stay true to yourself and what you believe in. Enjoy every moment. Never take life for granted. I am blessed and happy with my life.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

#PositivityChallenge #Day4

Day 4 of positivity: I had such an amazing day!! Went to church. Ironically the pastor talked about exactly what I was going through. How the devil uses those close to you to try to break your spirit but the attempt failed!! I got to spend  the day with my amazing family!! We went to a bbq, saw an amazing live band and spent an hour at the park. The twins are fast asleep now and I'm having movie night with my mom! I also got some amazing news!! My best friend Jon is coming in town and it's during my vacation!! In spite of events that happened this week so much good has happened. I am truly happy and blessed! #PositivityChallenge enjoying everyday  and every moment of my life. I'm making the habit of finding the good in any and everything.

#PositivityChallenge #Day3

Day 3 of positivity: The twins are amazing!! I love them so much! Being a parent is the scariest thing I've ever done. It's also the most responsible thing I've ever done. This morning the boys woke up and did what I do first thing. They pulled their pull ups down and peed. I am amazed by some of the things they do and say nowadays. Talib saw me dressed in my uniform. He said, "Mom, you're going to work?" I said, "Yea." He then says, "I want to go to work." That made my day. Had a great day at work. I kept a positive attitude and stayed true to myself. I didn't let any negative energy get to me. I also found someone to work a few days for me so I can attend a party. #PositivityChallenge your attitude will always affect how your day turns out.

Friday, September 9, 2016

#PositivityChallenge #Day2

Day 2 of positivity: My morning started off great!! My fiancée came over to see the twins off to school. He did flash cards with the boys. Tahir really surprised me, he knew everything and participated a lot. He is normally quiet. I am so happy that school is helping him!! Talib was his usual stubborn self. Lol He only interacted  when he wanted to and started knocking cards out of Jon's hand. My kindred spirit friend, Connie, from San Diego messaged me today! Sent me some words of encouragement right when I needed it!!  When you are happy and trying to keep a positive attitude people try to mess with you.  Isn't that crazy?? The attempts failed and I honestly had a great day at work. Sometimes having negative people around you makes you that way. I'm going to continue eating healthy and working on myself each day. #PositivityChallenge only dwell on the good, stay away from the bad!! 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

#PositivityChallenge #Day1

Day 1 of positivity: I have never been a morning person but I take joy in seeing how excited my kids are when it's time for school. Although I'm tired, I make sure I see them off every morning. There is nothing like unconditional love. I can't believe I have two amazing little boys that love me. Being a mother is hard. In the beginning I felt like giving up. I was depressed because my relationship with their father didnt work out but BEHOLD we are doing great without him!! We make the habit of giving more attention to the negative instead of focusing on the positive. This is why I am starting the #PositivityChallenge!! Took joy in the little things in life like walking your children to the bus in the morning or making someone smile because you were nice to them. Life is too short to be angry and bitter all the time! When things get hard SMILE!! Find something good in every situation. Goodnight! Be blessed! I am thankful for all that I have and all that will come!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Liar

When you loved someone unconditionally and trusted them 100% but find out that they lied to you, why do they always expect you to forgive them? What makes them think that you will ever fully trust them again? Why do they always expect the relationship to go back to what is was like nothing happen?? Why are you the bad guy when you don't want to deal with the person anymore?  Why do they always play the victim?? 

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Groundhog Day

As I head to work via UBER, I think about my life.  I feel like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. Stuck doing the same bullshit I did yesterday.  Working a bullshit job alongside of assholes while providing a service for fuck head consumers. My job keeps people safe and I rarely get a thank you.  When I took the job I felt honored because I was making a difference in the world. Being verbally abused for eleven years while serving the public has taken its toll on me. I find myself falling into depression. Faking a smile and biting my tongue throughout the day. I can't cut the depression off either.  It tends to follow me home and on my off days. I know ...I know...why do I continue to work there?! For one,  it pays great considering that I'm a Columbia College Chicago dropout. For two, I'm a single mother.  I have twin boys to provide for so....I can't up and quit for peace of mind like I'd love to.  For three, I've been applying for jobs but no one is biting at my resume. That's what happens when you work at the same job for eleven years and have no other "real" experience. With that being said, I love the movie Groundhog Day. I have to do what he did and start making tiny changes everyday.