Welcome To The Inside Of My Head!!

I just want to thank you for taking out the time to read my thoughts.



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Monday, July 25, 2016

Decisions??!!!!


I have been through failed relationships and I always try my best not to bring that into the next relationship.
I've been lied to and cheated on.
I've also lied and cheated on someone.
It hurts - emotionally, mentally and physically.
I grew up a vowed never to be that careless 20something girl I use to be.
I stayed faithful, did everything I was suppose to do in my relationship and even provided for my man when he lost his job.
I was supportive and encouraging.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, reality set in for me.
I was focused on our future and he was focused on the right now.
We started growing apart.
I held on to the little bit of nothing we had left.
He proposed the day after my birthday.
I said, "Yes!"
I was happy that he started to see us a whole.
No, my belly just got bigger and I continued to work.
He claimed to be depressed because he wasn't working.
I tried to encourage him but that was short lived because he started lying about applying for jobs.
Fast forward to the twins being here and him going out partying more and forgetting where home is.
Our new apartment wasn't quite so new and ended up being infested with critters (mice).
I rushed myself and the twins away to nana's house and invited him with us but he moved in with his dad.
It was at that point that I knew our relationship was over.
He had the opportunity to be with his twin boys and the so called woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He decided to go stay with his dad so he can save money so we can be together again.
I guess that made sense in his head.
That day was the end of my relationship with the father of my children in my mind.
I felt like I was in a long distance relationship even though we were roughly 20 minutes away from each other.
I found myself calling him and checking in on him a lot.
It was often that I'd call him and he'd ignore me.
In my head I'm thinking he should answer every phone call because I have his children.
I got tired of always reaching out and contacting him so I stopped.
I was going to let him do the contacting.
I waited
I waited
I waited
A couple of weeks later he finally contacted me seeing how the kids were doing and that's how I knew we were through.
An old male friend that I never had intentions of ever dating at that time.
Saw that I was having issues via twitter.
He contacted me and we started playing catch up.
We started hanging out.
He started showing me how a woman should be treated with respect and dignity.
Opening doors, listening and understanding.
I never brought my boys around him because I didn't want to disrespect their dad.
Even tho he wasn't providing for his children or spending time with them like he should.
I never thought that I could move on from their dad and be vulnerable to another man.
I found myself opening up to this man.
When he finally met my boys they loved him and he loved them.
I was happy and complete.
He picked up the slack where their dad failed.
Things were absolutely perfect.
I let my guard down and trusted this man fully because he was my friend first and I knew him for years.
One day I pretended like I was going to snoop through his phone and jokingly read off the first name I saw.
We were on the expressway at the time and he nearly crashed his truck getting his phone out of my hand.
It was crazy because I was only joking.
I trusted him and I knew he had nothing to hide but boy was I wrong.
Found out he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who was unhappily married.
To this day I don't know what was said in those text messages but they were bad enough to delete and never show me.
He claimed that they were nothing but instead of showing me they were nothing I had to go by his word.
I broke up with him.
I was more upset that I wasted my kids time because they liked him so much. 
He started bringing gifts and kissing my ass to get me back in his life. 
I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me trust him again.
I guess that's the curse of being a gemini, once we find out you're a liar we never trust you again.
Another proposal later and here I am,  right back where I started.
I saw where hope got me last time.
Should I give this man another chance and be vulnerable?
Or should I just roll solo and continue to raise my boys without a father figure to look up to?

False Hope

What do you do when you feel like giving up?
Most religious people tell you to pray and ask GOD to heal you. 
Nowadays I feel like praying does nothing but give me false hope. 
People depend on an invisible person to make all of their dreams come true.
Instead of going out and making things happen for themselves. 
I've wasted most of my life praying and believing that this higher power is going to grant me everything I've always wanted just because I'm a good person. 
Doing that I never went out and tried to pursue my dreams because GOD was going to make this happen. 
It's amazing how we get comfortable with the idea of someone else watching us, keeping us safe and getting things done for us.
When we can actually do all of these things for ourselves in the end.
I believe that there is a higher power but I need to focus and get what I want out of life instead of praying 24/7 without the effort. 

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Food for thought

Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you grow apart. If the woman loves the man more than he loves her it'll never work. If the man loves the woman more he will prove his love everyday until the day he dies. If the woman loves the man more he will use that to his advantage by using the woman and taking all he can until someone else catches his eye. Ladies when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing more than man ....RUN! People grow apart when one person in the relationship doesn't feel appreciated. The woman should never be the man in a relationship because if you are,  you're better off single. Just food for thought.

The Gift!

Someone special gave me an amazing gift last night. It came at the most perfect time. It was like I needed it.  Providing and carrying for twin boys solo is quite the task. At times, I feel like I'm going to lose my cool. Most of the time I feel like I am a horrible mother because all of this is new to me. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I feel like I don't know how to raise children, let alone without the help of their father. It's hard working full time and being a full time mother. Lately life has been stressful. I'm working to barely make ends meet. I always put my children's needs before mines. So if certain bills don't get paid so my children can eat and have diapers to poop and pee in then so be it. If I have to go to work in socks with holes in them and raggedy shoes so they can have fresh socks and comfy shoes then so be it. Sometimes I get angry with my children's father, I feel like he put me in this situation and just left me. He works he could call sometimes to see if his children needs something from time to time but he doesn't.  He feels like his children don't need his $ but his time. That statement would be true for someone that is unemployed but you are working. Here I am struggling with our children but he has went through two cars just this year. He currently has a new one. He has time to court other women and now claims to be in love with a woman. A woman he met on a single parents dating site. The irony in that! He gets to live his life like he has no children and can pretend to be daddy at his own convenience. While my job as a mommy is 24/7. While at work yesterday I checked my bank account and saw that I have $100 to last me until next saturday. I just broke down crying because I knew that I couldn't use it to pay bills because we are running out of food. I wiped my tears away and went back to work. Needless to say that my work day was long and depressing but I kept a smile on my face. My new boo picked me up from work and had a gift for me. He told me that he appreciates me and loves me for being such an amazing mother. He told me that he sees all of the sacrifices I make for my children. I go without so they can have what they need. He told me that this symbolizes my children and his love for me.  When I have a bad day at work or I'm stressed because my funds are low look at that ring and know that I am doing this for the love of my children. I broke down in tears. It's nice to know that someone genuinely cares about you and wants the best for you.  I am thankful to have this man in my life. He sees the good in me when I don't.  He helps me when I have nothing. Remember no matter what you're going through to count your blessings. Don't let what others fail to do affect you.  Things fall into place eventually.

Sorry I've Been Missing

Sometimes life moves forward so fast that you don't have time for the things you use to make time for. Sorry I neglected my small fan base. I appreciate those of you that do take the time out to read my thoughts. I am back! I am going to make it a habit to at least post something once a week or maybe everyday before bed.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The reason I breathe

Never thought I'd be a mother
Never thought I could love another
I was blessed with two
My boys cheer me up when I feel like I can't make it through
The stresses of life and the world takes over me
When I look by my side these two beautiful boys is all I see

Sorry

Sorry to myself
For losing myself

Writing has always been my first love!! I got so caught up with my day job, my family, my friends and life….. I lost what made me -ME!! Sometimes it takes someone outside of your circle to tell you something you already know. You need that reassurance!! I have to make it a habit to at least write something once a day. Instead of sitting back and feeling defeat I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago. I'm going to focus on what makes me happy.  WRITING!!!