We all have issues and sometimes we just need someone that's not close to us to listen. I am here if you need advice or just someone to listen to. I am here without judgement. I am also here to give you advice if you need it. I will give the same advice that I would give a family member or someone I care about. I wish I had someone like me that I could turn to just to listen. Feel free to comment here anonymously or as yourself and I will give you what you need.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
We all have our issues and coping mechanisms that help us face the world each day. I honestly have several but right now we are going to talk about my issues with Food!
I love food! I love taking pictures of food. Food has been there for me when no one else has. I especially love all the bad foods - like anything fried and double the servings. I often times found myself eating even when I'm not hungry. My father use to tease me when I was younger saying, "Why every time I'm in the kitchen you in the goddamn kitchen?" He use to call me kitchen security when I was a kid. I thought that was funny growing up but never really thought much of it. Ironically, I work for security and I feel stuck in that field but that story is for a later date.
I was a butterball growing up. Eating seconds and sneaking food late at night when my parents were sleep. I was teased growing up because my sister was the better looking one and everyone wanted to be her. I always lived in her shadow as a child so I ate. As I approached my teenage years my dad started forcing me to ride my bike and run around the track near our house. I am thankful that he did that because that was the start of my weight loss journey even though I continued to have bad eating habits.
For personal reasons that shall not be written or spoken my sister and I moved with our mom. That began my obsession with food and working out everyday 2 times a day. I would wake up every morning and do 100 situps as well as 50 push ups and I would repeat that routine before bed. I would starve myself all day at school and eat like a pig when I got home. I was also on the track team in high school so that helped me keep the weight off of me. I was getting my womanly shape. Huge hips, thick thighs, flat stomach and a round ass. My body was on point back then. I miss the days of stopping traffic and nearly causing accidents because men love to look at women. I left out the part where my mom made me wear a girdle in my preteen years so when in shape I have the perfect hourglass figure.
Fast forward some years to my 20's. I fell in love with an actor. He was my first love and I was crazy for him!! I was "young dumb and full of cum" as older people call it and he was the first man to give me an orgasm and the onle man to make me squirt in those years so I continued my relationship with him although he was a horrible cheater. That's when my eating disorder shifted. Here enters anorexia nervosa. I started to starve myself and when I did eat I threw up. I would go days without eating because maybe if I wasn't so ugly or fat he wouldn't cheat on me. I thought I was the problem so I continued to starve myself. When I did eat I couldn't keep it down because I was so stressed because my man was never home.
My mom saved my life. One day I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. I looked so weak and frail. I was a size 0 I looked like skin and bones. I didn't have a shape anymore I looked sick. My mom helped me find an apartment she thought I was on drugs but my drug of choice at the time was love without the consumption of food. When I moved in my apartment I continued to date the actor but I enjoyed my new found freedom. I started making new friends, going out and eating more. I was around 23 when I found a new love for cooking. I would starve myself all day at my security job and then come home cooking up a feast for myself along with my actor. I began picking up that weight. It was then that I had a conversation with myself.
I told myself that if times get hard I would eat instead of starving myself because I didn't want to look like I was dying anymore and so I continued to binge eat but exercised 24/7 so I wouldn't get fat. My actor continued to cheat and I had spent all of my good years with him. Hoping he would stop but he never did. So I gave up I continued to binge eat but I stopped working out. I let myself go because no matter what size I was he would never love me the way that I needed him to.
The last straw was when he slept with someone I considered a friend. I ended up cheating on him and we just fell out. I met someone that excited me I started working out again and losing weight but even though I was happy food was always there for me. So I would lose weight and gain it right back. I never fully trusted the new guy I dated because the man I was in love with for 10+ years lied and cheated on me constantly. So I'm sure you can imagine how my new relationship worked out but I'll get to that later. We birthed twin boys that I adore. The only love that I know is real.
After having the twins I lost weight drastically there was no time to eat. I forgot to eat most times because caring for twins was a lot of responsibility. I felt like there was no room for my needs the twins were more important than me and their father. I became so obsessed with my children I neglected their dad. That began the downfall of our relationship. When ended up moving to separate households. The stress of working full time, living with my mom, my failed relationship and raising twins led me back to my favorite thing in the world - FOOD!!
Fast forward to now. I'm still living with my mom she keeps me sane for the most part and is a big help with the twins so I can work full time. I struggle with eating healthy and worry about my weight alot. I am the biggest that I have ever been in my 33 years on this earth. I weigh close to 250 lbs and I'm 5'6. I'll eat healthy and run right back to binge eating when I'm stressed. I went to my primary care physician and he prescribed me medicine that would stop me from binge eating and smoking. I am still scared to take the pills because of all the side effects. I don't need to take pills that are going to make me more depressed than I already am or even worse one of they key side effects is SUICIDE! My father ended his life in my early 20's but that's a whole different story.
So right now I'm just living life, working full time and raising twins with one of my many disorders that I have. Black people don't believe in disorders or mental issues which sucks because we have them too. It's not just a "white" issue. We all have them! They tell you to pray to GOD or give it to Jesus or go to church. I didn't get any support from my mom or my new love. I seeked help the psychiatry route I felt like the psychiatrist just wanted to give me pills and didn't care because of my skin color. Black people don't have problems we survived slavery so we should be able to get through anything I suppose. So I remain untreated and slightly undiagnosed. Thank you for taking the time out to read this. Feel free to leave comments, advice or concerns.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Sometimes it takes a disagreement to find out if someone is really your friend. You confide in someone that you deem trustworthy with your deepest darkest secrets, your every thought or emotions. Just for them to turn it around and throw it right back into your face. It's odd how you think you know someone but you never really truly know them.
I was friends with someone for well over six years. A female friend. She was already iffy from jump but I gave her a chance anyway despite warnings. She was the complete opposite of me but we got along. I'm an open book, outgoing, sometimes overly friendly, people like talking to me, and I think I'm funny. I am very giving always helping others. I try to find the good in people. I give everyone a chance until they show me that they are not worthy of my time. I don't judge people based on their appearance I judge them on how they treat me. She use to tell me stop being so nice to people and fuck people etc etc So...anywho..as a mother with twins I don't have time to hang out, party and waste money on expensive restaurants etc etc. My friend use to get upset and run to facebook every time I couldn't hang saying she needs new friends her friends suck because they dont have time for her. This continued every time I couldn't make an outting or had to cancel due to lack of babysitter but never once did she include them or just come by my house just to hang. I have done that numerous times. We work for the same company but she didn't work at the same location as me. Now she does. It's embarrassing how one day your coworkers come up to you asking if things are ok with you and so and so because your friend posted this and that on facebook. So when I got home I text her I love her because maybe she was having a bad day. She didn't respond. I looked at her page and saw insulting memes from throughout the day then she posted something along the lines of not having any real friends, they are all phony and dont spend time with her. She posted this a few minutes after I texted her I love her. I was so annoyed with it because I recall missing a whole day of work and playing hooky on my sitter so I could spend the whole day with her. I recall spending well over $250 for her birthday recently. I guess my time and efforts were phony and weren't real?? I text her sorry you feel that way. If that's the case then I can delete your number out of my phone and delete you from facebook etc etc. She responded to that immediately she told me to be sure to delete her whole family too. I thought she was kidding. She then continued with verbally abusing me, calling me fat, miserable, telling me to kill myself and a whole lot of other things to get a rise out of me. In the end I remained respectful to her. I genuinely cared about her and loved her because she was my friend. I'm the type of person that never likes to leave things bad on my end. She said so many hurtful things to me that I could never forgive her for. That moment when someone goes too far! She knew I had issues with my weight since having twins. I've been eating better and losing weight slowly. My father killed himself six years ago in september. I struggled with depression and contemplated suicide after my failed relationship with the twins dad. I also hit a downward spiral with a tad bit of postpartum depression that I seeked spiritual guidance for after failing a suicide attempt. So it was totally a jab in the heart for her to say that because I am happy to be alive. Can't believe I got to that point where I almost went away. Couldn't imagine how that wouldve affected my amazingly wonderful children. Needless to say I'm on my journey of living a positive life. I asked the universe to get rid of all of the negative things and people in my life and it worked. Be careful who you call your friends people. Focus on the good in the world. Avoid people that never have nice things to say. Always stay true to yourself and what you believe in. Enjoy every moment. Never take life for granted. I am blessed and happy with my life.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Day 4 of positivity: I had such an amazing day!! Went to church. Ironically the pastor talked about exactly what I was going through. How the devil uses those close to you to try to break your spirit but the attempt failed!! I got to spend the day with my amazing family!! We went to a bbq, saw an amazing live band and spent an hour at the park. The twins are fast asleep now and I'm having movie night with my mom! I also got some amazing news!! My best friend Jon is coming in town and it's during my vacation!! In spite of events that happened this week so much good has happened. I am truly happy and blessed! #PositivityChallenge enjoying everyday and every moment of my life. I'm making the habit of finding the good in any and everything.
Day 3 of positivity: The twins are amazing!! I love them so much! Being a parent is the scariest thing I've ever done. It's also the most responsible thing I've ever done. This morning the boys woke up and did what I do first thing. They pulled their pull ups down and peed. I am amazed by some of the things they do and say nowadays. Talib saw me dressed in my uniform. He said, "Mom, you're going to work?" I said, "Yea." He then says, "I want to go to work." That made my day. Had a great day at work. I kept a positive attitude and stayed true to myself. I didn't let any negative energy get to me. I also found someone to work a few days for me so I can attend a party. #PositivityChallenge your attitude will always affect how your day turns out.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Day 2 of positivity: My morning started off great!! My fiancée came over to see the twins off to school. He did flash cards with the boys. Tahir really surprised me, he knew everything and participated a lot. He is normally quiet. I am so happy that school is helping him!! Talib was his usual stubborn self. Lol He only interacted when he wanted to and started knocking cards out of Jon's hand. My kindred spirit friend, Connie, from San Diego messaged me today! Sent me some words of encouragement right when I needed it!! When you are happy and trying to keep a positive attitude people try to mess with you. Isn't that crazy?? The attempts failed and I honestly had a great day at work. Sometimes having negative people around you makes you that way. I'm going to continue eating healthy and working on myself each day. #PositivityChallenge only dwell on the good, stay away from the bad!!
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Day 1 of positivity: I have never been a morning person but I take joy in seeing how excited my kids are when it's time for school. Although I'm tired, I make sure I see them off every morning. There is nothing like unconditional love. I can't believe I have two amazing little boys that love me. Being a mother is hard. In the beginning I felt like giving up. I was depressed because my relationship with their father didnt work out but BEHOLD we are doing great without him!! We make the habit of giving more attention to the negative instead of focusing on the positive. This is why I am starting the #PositivityChallenge!! Took joy in the little things in life like walking your children to the bus in the morning or making someone smile because you were nice to them. Life is too short to be angry and bitter all the time! When things get hard SMILE!! Find something good in every situation. Goodnight! Be blessed! I am thankful for all that I have and all that will come!!