Welcome To The Inside Of My Head!!

I just want to thank you for taking out the time to read my thoughts.



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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Groundhog Day

As I head to work via UBER, I think about my life.  I feel like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. Stuck doing the same bullshit I did yesterday.  Working a bullshit job alongside of assholes while providing a service for fuck head consumers. My job keeps people safe and I rarely get a thank you.  When I took the job I felt honored because I was making a difference in the world. Being verbally abused for eleven years while serving the public has taken its toll on me. I find myself falling into depression. Faking a smile and biting my tongue throughout the day. I can't cut the depression off either.  It tends to follow me home and on my off days. I know ...I know...why do I continue to work there?! For one,  it pays great considering that I'm a Columbia College Chicago dropout. For two, I'm a single mother.  I have twin boys to provide for so....I can't up and quit for peace of mind like I'd love to.  For three, I've been applying for jobs but no one is biting at my resume. That's what happens when you work at the same job for eleven years and have no other "real" experience. With that being said, I love the movie Groundhog Day. I have to do what he did and start making tiny changes everyday.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Look in the mirror
What do you see?
I see a stranger looking back at me.
I see sorrow
I see shoulders weighed down by the world
I see a tiny twinkle of hope left in the eyes
I see innocence
I see love
I see beautiful brow skin
I see strength
I see a strong black woman living in a world full of hate overcoming every obstacle thrown her way. 

(c) Dorian Shelton

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

This Is The Thing I Hate About Men

This is the thing that I hate about men! They like to talk to hear themselves talk. There is nothing more irritating than being forced to listen to someone talk about absolutely nothing! They want you to cook and clean for them but they aren't providing the food or cleaning supplies. They want to tell you how a woman should be or act but can you as a man build anything let alone fix something??! You want us to act classy and cover ourselves up but you stare at half naked women and lust after whores. Men always want you to let go of any "real" male friends you have. The kind of friends you'd never have sex with but genuinely love them like family. Oh, but they get to keep their so called female friends! Especially the ones they had sex with or wanted a serious relationship with but claimed it didnt work out because they are better as friends. Seems like men get the sweet end of every deal. Where do I sign up to be one??!

UBER fix it!!

I have a driver's license and I know how to drive.  I just don't like to drive,  I feel like I could be doing a million other productive things while someone else chauffeurs me around like - writing. Sometimes I see the same driver on a daily basis.  It never fails! 
The driver starts to get extremely comfortable with me and begins to tell me their life story. Then they feel the need to voice their opinions about current events. Let's not forget, advice you never asked for or wanted. I hate the "you should smile more" speech. Most people that use UBER are just trying to get to their destination safely without the stress of being forced to hold a conversation with a person for thirty plus minutes. You try to be courteous to the person that has your life in their hands. At what point do you say enough is enough, can you please be quiet??! I don't know about you but this ride to work is the only time I get peace and quiet in my life.  This is the only time I get to clear my head. I deal with thousands of people everyday on my job. My job requires me to constantly explain things to people that don't listen. When I get home after working an 8 hour shift, I have two energized three year olds to tend to. So I'm sorry but not sorry if I offend you with my silence.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

Decisions??!!!!


I have been through failed relationships and I always try my best not to bring that into the next relationship.
I've been lied to and cheated on.
I've also lied and cheated on someone.
It hurts - emotionally, mentally and physically.
I grew up a vowed never to be that careless 20something girl I use to be.
I stayed faithful, did everything I was suppose to do in my relationship and even provided for my man when he lost his job.
I was supportive and encouraging.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, reality set in for me.
I was focused on our future and he was focused on the right now.
We started growing apart.
I held on to the little bit of nothing we had left.
He proposed the day after my birthday.
I said, "Yes!"
I was happy that he started to see us a whole.
No, my belly just got bigger and I continued to work.
He claimed to be depressed because he wasn't working.
I tried to encourage him but that was short lived because he started lying about applying for jobs.
Fast forward to the twins being here and him going out partying more and forgetting where home is.
Our new apartment wasn't quite so new and ended up being infested with critters (mice).
I rushed myself and the twins away to nana's house and invited him with us but he moved in with his dad.
It was at that point that I knew our relationship was over.
He had the opportunity to be with his twin boys and the so called woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He decided to go stay with his dad so he can save money so we can be together again.
I guess that made sense in his head.
That day was the end of my relationship with the father of my children in my mind.
I felt like I was in a long distance relationship even though we were roughly 20 minutes away from each other.
I found myself calling him and checking in on him a lot.
It was often that I'd call him and he'd ignore me.
In my head I'm thinking he should answer every phone call because I have his children.
I got tired of always reaching out and contacting him so I stopped.
I was going to let him do the contacting.
I waited
I waited
I waited
A couple of weeks later he finally contacted me seeing how the kids were doing and that's how I knew we were through.
An old male friend that I never had intentions of ever dating at that time.
Saw that I was having issues via twitter.
He contacted me and we started playing catch up.
We started hanging out.
He started showing me how a woman should be treated with respect and dignity.
Opening doors, listening and understanding.
I never brought my boys around him because I didn't want to disrespect their dad.
Even tho he wasn't providing for his children or spending time with them like he should.
I never thought that I could move on from their dad and be vulnerable to another man.
I found myself opening up to this man.
When he finally met my boys they loved him and he loved them.
I was happy and complete.
He picked up the slack where their dad failed.
Things were absolutely perfect.
I let my guard down and trusted this man fully because he was my friend first and I knew him for years.
One day I pretended like I was going to snoop through his phone and jokingly read off the first name I saw.
We were on the expressway at the time and he nearly crashed his truck getting his phone out of my hand.
It was crazy because I was only joking.
I trusted him and I knew he had nothing to hide but boy was I wrong.
Found out he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who was unhappily married.
To this day I don't know what was said in those text messages but they were bad enough to delete and never show me.
He claimed that they were nothing but instead of showing me they were nothing I had to go by his word.
I broke up with him.
I was more upset that I wasted my kids time because they liked him so much. 
He started bringing gifts and kissing my ass to get me back in his life. 
I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me trust him again.
I guess that's the curse of being a gemini, once we find out you're a liar we never trust you again.
Another proposal later and here I am,  right back where I started.
I saw where hope got me last time.
Should I give this man another chance and be vulnerable?
Or should I just roll solo and continue to raise my boys without a father figure to look up to?

False Hope

What do you do when you feel like giving up?
Most religious people tell you to pray and ask GOD to heal you. 
Nowadays I feel like praying does nothing but give me false hope. 
People depend on an invisible person to make all of their dreams come true.
Instead of going out and making things happen for themselves. 
I've wasted most of my life praying and believing that this higher power is going to grant me everything I've always wanted just because I'm a good person. 
Doing that I never went out and tried to pursue my dreams because GOD was going to make this happen. 
It's amazing how we get comfortable with the idea of someone else watching us, keeping us safe and getting things done for us.
When we can actually do all of these things for ourselves in the end.
I believe that there is a higher power but I need to focus and get what I want out of life instead of praying 24/7 without the effort. 

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Food for thought

Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you grow apart. If the woman loves the man more than he loves her it'll never work. If the man loves the woman more he will prove his love everyday until the day he dies. If the woman loves the man more he will use that to his advantage by using the woman and taking all he can until someone else catches his eye. Ladies when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing more than man ....RUN! People grow apart when one person in the relationship doesn't feel appreciated. The woman should never be the man in a relationship because if you are,  you're better off single. Just food for thought.