Be careful what you ask for you just might get it.

Sometimes it takes a disagreement to find out if someone is really your friend. You confide in someone that you deem trustworthy with your deepest darkest secrets, your every thought or emotions. Just for them to turn it around and throw it right back into your face. It's odd how you think you know someone but you never really truly know them.
I was friends with someone for well over six years. A female friend. She was already iffy from jump but I gave her a chance anyway despite warnings. She was the complete opposite of me but we got along. I'm an open book, outgoing, sometimes overly friendly, people like talking to me, and I think I'm funny. I am very giving always helping others. I try to find the good in people. I give everyone a chance until they show me that they are not worthy of my time. I don't judge people based on their appearance I judge them on how they treat me. She use to tell me stop being so nice to people and fuck people etc etc So...anywho..as a mother with twins I don't have time to hang out, party and waste money on expensive restaurants etc etc. My friend use to get upset and run to facebook every time I couldn't hang saying she needs new friends her friends suck because they dont have time for her. This continued every time I couldn't make an outting or had to cancel due to lack of babysitter but never once did she include them or just come by my house just to hang. I have done that numerous times. We work for the same company but she didn't work at the same location as me. Now she does. It's embarrassing how one day your coworkers come up to you asking if things are ok with you and so and so because your friend posted this and that on facebook. So when I got home I text her I love her because maybe she was having a bad day. She didn't respond. I looked at her page and saw insulting memes from throughout the day then she posted something along the lines of not having any real friends, they are all phony and dont spend time with her. She posted this a few minutes after I texted her I love her. I was so annoyed with it because I recall missing a whole day of work and playing hooky on my sitter so I could spend the whole day with her. I recall spending well over $250 for her birthday recently. I guess my time and efforts were phony and weren't real?? I text her sorry you feel that way. If that's the case then I can delete your number out of my phone and delete you from facebook etc etc. She responded to that immediately she told me to be sure to delete her whole family too. I thought she was kidding. She then continued with verbally abusing me, calling me fat, miserable, telling me to kill myself and a whole lot of other things to get a rise out of me. In the end I remained respectful to her. I genuinely cared about her and loved her because she was my friend.  I'm the type of person that never likes to leave things bad on my end. She said so many hurtful things to me that I could never forgive her for. That moment when someone goes too far! She knew I had issues with my weight since having twins. I've been eating better and losing weight slowly. My father killed himself six years ago in september. I struggled with depression and contemplated suicide after my failed relationship with the twins dad. I also hit a downward spiral with a tad bit of postpartum depression that I seeked spiritual guidance for after failing a suicide attempt. So it was totally a jab in the heart for her to say that because I am happy to be alive. Can't believe I got to that point where I almost went away. Couldn't imagine how that wouldve affected my amazingly wonderful children. Needless to say I'm on my journey of living a positive life. I asked the universe to get rid of all of the negative things and people in my life and it worked. Be careful who you call your friends people. Focus on the good in the world. Avoid people that never have nice things to say. Always stay true to yourself and what you believe in. Enjoy every moment. Never take life for granted. I am blessed and happy with my life.

#PositivityChallenge #Day4

Day 4 of positivity: I had such an amazing day!! Went to church. Ironically the pastor talked about exactly what I was going through. How the devil uses those close to you to try to break your spirit but the attempt failed!! I got to spend  the day with my amazing family!! We went to a bbq, saw an amazing live band and spent an hour at the park. The twins are fast asleep now and I'm having movie night with my mom! I also got some amazing news!! My best friend Jon is coming in town and it's during my vacation!! In spite of events that happened this week so much good has happened. I am truly happy and blessed! #PositivityChallenge enjoying everyday  and every moment of my life. I'm making the habit of finding the good in any and everything.

#PositivityChallenge #Day3

Day 3 of positivity: The twins are amazing!! I love them so much! Being a parent is the scariest thing I've ever done. It's also the most responsible thing I've ever done. This morning the boys woke up and did what I do first thing. They pulled their pull ups down and peed. I am amazed by some of the things they do and say nowadays. Talib saw me dressed in my uniform. He said, "Mom, you're going to work?" I said, "Yea." He then says, "I want to go to work." That made my day. Had a great day at work. I kept a positive attitude and stayed true to myself. I didn't let any negative energy get to me. I also found someone to work a few days for me so I can attend a party. #PositivityChallenge your attitude will always affect how your day turns out.

#PositivityChallenge #Day2

Day 2 of positivity: My morning started off great!! My fiancée came over to see the twins off to school. He did flash cards with the boys. Tahir really surprised me, he knew everything and participated a lot. He is normally quiet. I am so happy that school is helping him!! Talib was his usual stubborn self. Lol He only interacted  when he wanted to and started knocking cards out of Jon's hand. My kindred spirit friend, Connie, from San Diego messaged me today! Sent me some words of encouragement right when I needed it!!  When you are happy and trying to keep a positive attitude people try to mess with you.  Isn't that crazy?? The attempts failed and I honestly had a great day at work. Sometimes having negative people around you makes you that way. I'm going to continue eating healthy and working on myself each day. #PositivityChallenge only dwell on the good, stay away from the bad!! 

#PositivityChallenge #Day1

Day 1 of positivity: I have never been a morning person but I take joy in seeing how excited my kids are when it's time for school. Although I'm tired, I make sure I see them off every morning. There is nothing like unconditional love. I can't believe I have two amazing little boys that love me. Being a mother is hard. In the beginning I felt like giving up. I was depressed because my relationship with their father didnt work out but BEHOLD we are doing great without him!! We make the habit of giving more attention to the negative instead of focusing on the positive. This is why I am starting the #PositivityChallenge!! Took joy in the little things in life like walking your children to the bus in the morning or making someone smile because you were nice to them. Life is too short to be angry and bitter all the time! When things get hard SMILE!! Find something good in every situation. Goodnight! Be blessed! I am thankful for all that I have and all that will come!!

Liar

When you loved someone unconditionally and trusted them 100% but find out that they lied to you, why do they always expect you to forgive them? What makes them think that you will ever fully trust them again? Why do they always expect the relationship to go back to what is was like nothing happen?? Why are you the bad guy when you don't want to deal with the person anymore?  Why do they always play the victim?? 

Groundhog Day

As I head to work via UBER, I think about my life.  I feel like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. Stuck doing the same bullshit I did yesterday.  Working a bullshit job alongside of assholes while providing a service for fuck head consumers. My job keeps people safe and I rarely get a thank you.  When I took the job I felt honored because I was making a difference in the world. Being verbally abused for eleven years while serving the public has taken its toll on me. I find myself falling into depression. Faking a smile and biting my tongue throughout the day. I can't cut the depression off either.  It tends to follow me home and on my off days. I know ...I know...why do I continue to work there?! For one,  it pays great considering that I'm a Columbia College Chicago dropout. For two, I'm a single mother.  I have twin boys to provide for so....I can't up and quit for peace of mind like I'd love to.  For three, I've been applying for jobs but no one is biting at my resume. That's what happens when you work at the same job for eleven years and have no other "real" experience. With that being said, I love the movie Groundhog Day. I have to do what he did and start making tiny changes everyday.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Look in the mirror
What do you see?
I see a stranger looking back at me.
I see sorrow
I see shoulders weighed down by the world
I see a tiny twinkle of hope left in the eyes
I see innocence
I see love
I see beautiful brow skin
I see strength
I see a strong black woman living in a world full of hate overcoming every obstacle thrown her way. 

(c) Dorian Shelton

This Is The Thing I Hate About Men

This is the thing that I hate about men! They like to talk to hear themselves talk. There is nothing more irritating than being forced to listen to someone talk about absolutely nothing! They want you to cook and clean for them but they aren't providing the food or cleaning supplies. They want to tell you how a woman should be or act but can you as a man build anything let alone fix something??! You want us to act classy and cover ourselves up but you stare at half naked women and lust after whores. Men always want you to let go of any "real" male friends you have. The kind of friends you'd never have sex with but genuinely love them like family. Oh, but they get to keep their so called female friends! Especially the ones they had sex with or wanted a serious relationship with but claimed it didnt work out because they are better as friends. Seems like men get the sweet end of every deal. Where do I sign up to be one??!

UBER fix it!!

I have a driver's license and I know how to drive.  I just don't like to drive,  I feel like I could be doing a million other productive things while someone else chauffeurs me around like - writing. Sometimes I see the same driver on a daily basis.  It never fails! 
The driver starts to get extremely comfortable with me and begins to tell me their life story. Then they feel the need to voice their opinions about current events. Let's not forget, advice you never asked for or wanted. I hate the "you should smile more" speech. Most people that use UBER are just trying to get to their destination safely without the stress of being forced to hold a conversation with a person for thirty plus minutes. You try to be courteous to the person that has your life in their hands. At what point do you say enough is enough, can you please be quiet??! I don't know about you but this ride to work is the only time I get peace and quiet in my life.  This is the only time I get to clear my head. I deal with thousands of people everyday on my job. My job requires me to constantly explain things to people that don't listen. When I get home after working an 8 hour shift, I have two energized three year olds to tend to. So I'm sorry but not sorry if I offend you with my silence.  

Decisions??!!!!

I have been through failed relationships and I always try my best not to bring that into the next relationship.
I've been lied to and cheated on.
I've also lied and cheated on someone.
It hurts - emotionally, mentally and physically.
I grew up a vowed never to be that careless 20something girl I use to be.
I stayed faithful, did everything I was suppose to do in my relationship and even provided for my man when he lost his job.
I was supportive and encouraging.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, reality set in for me.
I was focused on our future and he was focused on the right now.
We started growing apart.
I held on to the little bit of nothing we had left.
He proposed the day after my birthday.
I said, "Yes!"
I was happy that he started to see us a whole.
No, my belly just got bigger and I continued to work.
He claimed to be depressed because he wasn't working.
I tried to encourage him but that was short lived because he started lying about applying for jobs.
Fast forward to the twins being here and him going out partying more and forgetting where home is.
Our new apartment wasn't quite so new and ended up being infested with critters (mice).
I rushed myself and the twins away to nana's house and invited him with us but he moved in with his dad.
It was at that point that I knew our relationship was over.
He had the opportunity to be with his twin boys and the so called woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He decided to go stay with his dad so he can save money so we can be together again.
I guess that made sense in his head.
That day was the end of my relationship with the father of my children in my mind.
I felt like I was in a long distance relationship even though we were roughly 20 minutes away from each other.
I found myself calling him and checking in on him a lot.
It was often that I'd call him and he'd ignore me.
In my head I'm thinking he should answer every phone call because I have his children.
I got tired of always reaching out and contacting him so I stopped.
I was going to let him do the contacting.
I waited
I waited
I waited
A couple of weeks later he finally contacted me seeing how the kids were doing and that's how I knew we were through.
An old male friend that I never had intentions of ever dating at that time.
Saw that I was having issues via twitter.
He contacted me and we started playing catch up.
We started hanging out.
He started showing me how a woman should be treated with respect and dignity.
Opening doors, listening and understanding.
I never brought my boys around him because I didn't want to disrespect their dad.
Even tho he wasn't providing for his children or spending time with them like he should.
I never thought that I could move on from their dad and be vulnerable to another man.
I found myself opening up to this man.
When he finally met my boys they loved him and he loved them.
I was happy and complete.
He picked up the slack where their dad failed.
Things were absolutely perfect.
I let my guard down and trusted this man fully because he was my friend first and I knew him for years.
One day I pretended like I was going to snoop through his phone and jokingly read off the first name I saw.
We were on the expressway at the time and he nearly crashed his truck getting his phone out of my hand.
It was crazy because I was only joking.
I trusted him and I knew he had nothing to hide but boy was I wrong.
Found out he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who was unhappily married.
To this day I don't know what was said in those text messages but they were bad enough to delete and never show me.
He claimed that they were nothing but instead of showing me they were nothing I had to go by his word.
I broke up with him.
I was more upset that I wasted my kids time because they liked him so much. 
He started bringing gifts and kissing my ass to get me back in his life. 
I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me trust him again.
I guess that's the curse of being a gemini, once we find out you're a liar we never trust you again.
Another proposal later and here I am,  right back where I started.
I saw where hope got me last time.
Should I give this man another chance and be vulnerable?
Or should I just roll solo and continue to raise my boys without a father figure to look up to?

False Hope

What do you do when you feel like giving up?

Most religious people tell you to pray and ask GOD to heal you. 

Nowadays I feel like praying does nothing but give me false hope. 

People depend on an invisible person to make all of their dreams come true.

Instead of going out and making things happen for themselves. 

I've wasted most of my life praying and believing that this higher power is going to grant me everything I've always wanted just because I'm a good person. 

Doing that I never went out and tried to pursue my dreams because GOD was going to make this happen. 

It's amazing how we get comfortable with the idea of someone else watching us, keeping us safe and getting things done for us.

When we can actually do all of these things for ourselves in the end.

I believe that there is a higher power but I need to focus and get what I want out of life instead of praying 24/7 without the effort.