We all have our issues and coping mechanisms that help us face the world each day. I honestly have several but right now we are going to talk about my issues with Food!
I love food! I love taking pictures of food. Food has been there for me when no one else has. I especially love all the bad foods - like anything fried and double the servings. I often times found myself eating even when I'm not hungry. My father use to tease me when I was younger saying, "Why every time I'm in the kitchen you in the goddamn kitchen?" He use to call me kitchen security when I was a kid. I thought that was funny growing up but never really thought much of it. Ironically, I work for security and I feel stuck in that field but that story is for a later date.
I was a butterball growing up. Eating seconds and sneaking food late at night when my parents were sleep. I was teased growing up because my sister was the better looking one and everyone wanted to be her. I always lived in her shadow as a child so I ate. As I approached my teenage years my dad started forcing me to ride my bike and run around the track near our house. I am thankful that he did that because that was the start of my weight loss journey even though I continued to have bad eating habits.
For personal reasons that shall not be written or spoken my sister and I moved with our mom. That began my obsession with food and working out everyday 2 times a day. I would wake up every morning and do 100 situps as well as 50 push ups and I would repeat that routine before bed. I would starve myself all day at school and eat like a pig when I got home. I was also on the track team in high school so that helped me keep the weight off of me. I was getting my womanly shape. Huge hips, thick thighs, flat stomach and a round ass. My body was on point back then. I miss the days of stopping traffic and nearly causing accidents because men love to look at women. I left out the part where my mom made me wear a girdle in my preteen years so when in shape I have the perfect hourglass figure.
Fast forward some years to my 20's. I fell in love with an actor. He was my first love and I was crazy for him!! I was "young dumb and full of cum" as older people call it and he was the first man to give me an orgasm and the onle man to make me squirt in those years so I continued my relationship with him although he was a horrible cheater. That's when my eating disorder shifted. Here enters anorexia nervosa. I started to starve myself and when I did eat I threw up. I would go days without eating because maybe if I wasn't so ugly or fat he wouldn't cheat on me. I thought I was the problem so I continued to starve myself. When I did eat I couldn't keep it down because I was so stressed because my man was never home.
My mom saved my life. One day I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. I looked so weak and frail. I was a size 0 I looked like skin and bones. I didn't have a shape anymore I looked sick. My mom helped me find an apartment she thought I was on drugs but my drug of choice at the time was love without the consumption of food. When I moved in my apartment I continued to date the actor but I enjoyed my new found freedom. I started making new friends, going out and eating more. I was around 23 when I found a new love for cooking. I would starve myself all day at my security job and then come home cooking up a feast for myself along with my actor. I began picking up that weight. It was then that I had a conversation with myself.
I told myself that if times get hard I would eat instead of starving myself because I didn't want to look like I was dying anymore and so I continued to binge eat but exercised 24/7 so I wouldn't get fat. My actor continued to cheat and I had spent all of my good years with him. Hoping he would stop but he never did. So I gave up I continued to binge eat but I stopped working out. I let myself go because no matter what size I was he would never love me the way that I needed him to.
The last straw was when he slept with someone I considered a friend. I ended up cheating on him and we just fell out. I met someone that excited me I started working out again and losing weight but even though I was happy food was always there for me. So I would lose weight and gain it right back. I never fully trusted the new guy I dated because the man I was in love with for 10+ years lied and cheated on me constantly. So I'm sure you can imagine how my new relationship worked out but I'll get to that later. We birthed twin boys that I adore. The only love that I know is real.
After having the twins I lost weight drastically there was no time to eat. I forgot to eat most times because caring for twins was a lot of responsibility. I felt like there was no room for my needs the twins were more important than me and their father. I became so obsessed with my children I neglected their dad. That began the downfall of our relationship. When ended up moving to separate households. The stress of working full time, living with my mom, my failed relationship and raising twins led me back to my favorite thing in the world - FOOD!!
Fast forward to now. I'm still living with my mom she keeps me sane for the most part and is a big help with the twins so I can work full time. I struggle with eating healthy and worry about my weight alot. I am the biggest that I have ever been in my 33 years on this earth. I weigh close to 250 lbs and I'm 5'6. I'll eat healthy and run right back to binge eating when I'm stressed. I went to my primary care physician and he prescribed me medicine that would stop me from binge eating and smoking. I am still scared to take the pills because of all the side effects. I don't need to take pills that are going to make me more depressed than I already am or even worse one of they key side effects is SUICIDE! My father ended his life in my early 20's but that's a whole different story.
So right now I'm just living life, working full time and raising twins with one of my many disorders that I have. Black people don't believe in disorders or mental issues which sucks because we have them too. It's not just a "white" issue. We all have them! They tell you to pray to GOD or give it to Jesus or go to church. I didn't get any support from my mom or my new love. I seeked help the psychiatry route I felt like the psychiatrist just wanted to give me pills and didn't care because of my skin color. Black people don't have problems we survived slavery so we should be able to get through anything I suppose. So I remain untreated and slightly undiagnosed. Thank you for taking the time out to read this. Feel free to leave comments, advice or concerns.
