She's Gotta Have It

Wow!! Spike Lee did the damn thing! He is back and proving a point. Never in the history of remakes has the newer version of a show or movie been better than the original. You really outdid yourself! This show literally makes me wish that I was from Brooklyn. I actually want to be Nola Darling! She makes me feel sexy and empowered! Let's not speak on the love interests. I've actually dated men just like the actual characters.

Jamie was my least favorite. I hate uppity ass negroes and he really gave me that vibe and let's not forget his "situation". Greer thinks too highly of himself. He has a nice body but the whole time in my head I'm thinking this guy is on the down low.
Mars is my all time favorite. He is funny, cute and keeps what they have exciting. He isnt financially stable like Jamie and Greer but he works hard for what he does have.

One thing I can relate to is no matter who the man is all three try to control her in some way. She reminds me so much of myself. I don't like for any man to feel like he owns me because we had sex or are in a relationship. You can't control me or tell me what to do. I am a woman!  I am not your possession!!!

I'm only four episodes in and this is my quick lil review.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention how dope the soundtrack is. I hope it will be sold in stores soon!!

Ask Dori

We all have issues and sometimes we just need someone that's not close to us to listen. I am here if you need advice or just someone to listen to. I am here without judgement. I am also here to give you advice if you need it. I will give the same advice that I would give a family member or someone I care about. I wish I had someone like me that I could turn to just to listen. Feel free to comment here anonymously or as yourself and I will give you what you need.

Why I Run To Food: My Story As An Undiagnosed Person With An Eating Disorder!

We all have our issues and coping mechanisms that help us face the world each day. I honestly have several but right now we are going to talk about my issues with Food!

I love food! I love taking pictures of food. Food has been there for me when no one else has. I especially love all the bad foods - like anything fried and double the servings. I often times found myself eating even when I'm not hungry. My father use to tease me when I was younger saying, "Why every time I'm in the kitchen you in the goddamn kitchen?" He use to call me kitchen security when I was a kid. I thought that was funny growing up but never really thought much of it. Ironically, I work for security and I feel stuck in that field but that story is for a later date.

I was a butterball growing up. Eating seconds and sneaking food late at night when my parents were sleep. I was teased growing up because my sister was the better looking one and everyone wanted to be her. I always lived in her shadow as a child so I ate. As I approached my teenage years my dad started forcing me to ride my bike and run around the track near our house. I am thankful that he did that because that was the start of my weight loss journey even though I continued to have bad eating habits.

For personal reasons that shall not be written or spoken my sister and I moved with our mom. That began my obsession with food and working out everyday 2 times a day. I would wake up every morning and do 100 situps as well as 50 push ups and I would repeat that routine before bed. I would starve myself all day at school and eat like a pig when I got home. I was also on the track team in high school so that helped me keep the weight off of me. I was getting my womanly shape. Huge hips, thick thighs, flat stomach and a round ass. My body was on point back then. I miss the days of stopping traffic and nearly causing accidents because men love to look at women. I left out the part where my mom made me wear a girdle in my preteen years so when in shape I have the perfect hourglass figure. 

Fast forward some years to my 20's. I fell in love with an actor. He was my first love and I was crazy for him!! I was "young dumb and full of cum" as older people call it and he was the first man to give me an orgasm and the onle man to make me squirt in those years so I continued my relationship with him although he was a horrible cheater. That's when my eating disorder shifted. Here enters anorexia nervosa. I started to starve myself and when I did eat I threw up. I would go days without eating because maybe if I wasn't so ugly or fat he wouldn't cheat on me. I thought I was the problem so I continued to starve myself. When I did eat I couldn't keep it down because I was so stressed because my man was never home.

My mom saved my life. One day I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. I looked so weak and frail. I was a size 0 I looked like skin and bones. I didn't have a shape anymore I looked sick. My mom helped me find an apartment she thought I was on drugs but my drug of choice at the time was love without the consumption of food. When I moved in my apartment I continued to date the actor but I enjoyed my new found freedom. I started making new friends, going out and eating more. I was around 23 when I found a new love for cooking. I would starve myself all day at my security job and then come home cooking up a feast for myself along with my actor. I began picking up that weight. It was then that I had a conversation with myself.

I told myself that if times get hard I would eat instead of starving myself because I didn't want to look like I was dying anymore and so I continued to binge eat but exercised 24/7 so I wouldn't get fat. My actor continued to cheat and I had spent all of my good years with him. Hoping he would stop but he never did. So I gave up I continued to binge eat but I stopped working out. I let myself go because no matter what size I was he would never love me the way that I needed him to.

The last straw was when he slept with someone I considered a friend. I ended up cheating on him and we just fell out. I met someone that excited me I started working out again and losing weight but even though I was happy food was always there for me. So I would lose weight and gain it right back. I never fully trusted the new guy I dated because the man I was in love with for 10+ years lied and cheated on me constantly. So I'm sure you can imagine how my new relationship worked out but I'll get to that later. We birthed twin boys that I adore. The only love that I know is real.

After having the twins I lost weight drastically there was no time to eat. I forgot to eat most times because caring for twins was a lot of responsibility. I felt like there was no room for my needs the twins were more important than me and their father. I became so obsessed with my children I neglected their dad. That began the downfall of our relationship. When ended up moving to separate households. The stress of working full time, living with my mom, my failed relationship and raising twins led me back to my favorite thing in the world - FOOD!!

Fast forward to now. I'm still living with my mom she keeps me sane for the most part and is a big help with the twins so I can work full time. I struggle with eating healthy and worry about my weight alot. I am the biggest that I have ever been in my 33 years on this earth. I weigh close to 250 lbs and I'm 5'6. I'll eat healthy and run right back to binge eating when I'm stressed. I went to my primary care physician and he prescribed me medicine that would stop me from binge eating and smoking. I am still scared to take the pills because of all the side effects. I don't need to take pills that are going to make me more depressed than I already am or even worse one of they key side effects is SUICIDE! My father ended his life in my early 20's but that's a whole different story.

So right now I'm just living life, working full time and raising twins with one of my many disorders that I have. Black people don't believe in disorders or mental issues which sucks because we have them too. It's not just a "white" issue. We all have them! They tell you to pray to GOD or give it to Jesus or go to church. I didn't get any support from my mom or my new love.  I seeked help the psychiatry route I felt like the psychiatrist just wanted to give me pills and didn't care because of my skin color. Black people don't have problems we survived slavery so we should be able to get through anything I suppose. So I remain untreated and slightly undiagnosed. Thank you for taking the time out to read this. Feel free to leave comments, advice or concerns.

Be careful what you ask for you just might get it.

Sometimes it takes a disagreement to find out if someone is really your friend. You confide in someone that you deem trustworthy with your deepest darkest secrets, your every thought or emotions. Just for them to turn it around and throw it right back into your face. It's odd how you think you know someone but you never really truly know them.
I was friends with someone for well over six years. A female friend. She was already iffy from jump but I gave her a chance anyway despite warnings. She was the complete opposite of me but we got along. I'm an open book, outgoing, sometimes overly friendly, people like talking to me, and I think I'm funny. I am very giving always helping others. I try to find the good in people. I give everyone a chance until they show me that they are not worthy of my time. I don't judge people based on their appearance I judge them on how they treat me. She use to tell me stop being so nice to people and fuck people etc etc So...anywho..as a mother with twins I don't have time to hang out, party and waste money on expensive restaurants etc etc. My friend use to get upset and run to facebook every time I couldn't hang saying she needs new friends her friends suck because they dont have time for her. This continued every time I couldn't make an outting or had to cancel due to lack of babysitter but never once did she include them or just come by my house just to hang. I have done that numerous times. We work for the same company but she didn't work at the same location as me. Now she does. It's embarrassing how one day your coworkers come up to you asking if things are ok with you and so and so because your friend posted this and that on facebook. So when I got home I text her I love her because maybe she was having a bad day. She didn't respond. I looked at her page and saw insulting memes from throughout the day then she posted something along the lines of not having any real friends, they are all phony and dont spend time with her. She posted this a few minutes after I texted her I love her. I was so annoyed with it because I recall missing a whole day of work and playing hooky on my sitter so I could spend the whole day with her. I recall spending well over $250 for her birthday recently. I guess my time and efforts were phony and weren't real?? I text her sorry you feel that way. If that's the case then I can delete your number out of my phone and delete you from facebook etc etc. She responded to that immediately she told me to be sure to delete her whole family too. I thought she was kidding. She then continued with verbally abusing me, calling me fat, miserable, telling me to kill myself and a whole lot of other things to get a rise out of me. In the end I remained respectful to her. I genuinely cared about her and loved her because she was my friend.  I'm the type of person that never likes to leave things bad on my end. She said so many hurtful things to me that I could never forgive her for. That moment when someone goes too far! She knew I had issues with my weight since having twins. I've been eating better and losing weight slowly. My father killed himself six years ago in september. I struggled with depression and contemplated suicide after my failed relationship with the twins dad. I also hit a downward spiral with a tad bit of postpartum depression that I seeked spiritual guidance for after failing a suicide attempt. So it was totally a jab in the heart for her to say that because I am happy to be alive. Can't believe I got to that point where I almost went away. Couldn't imagine how that wouldve affected my amazingly wonderful children. Needless to say I'm on my journey of living a positive life. I asked the universe to get rid of all of the negative things and people in my life and it worked. Be careful who you call your friends people. Focus on the good in the world. Avoid people that never have nice things to say. Always stay true to yourself and what you believe in. Enjoy every moment. Never take life for granted. I am blessed and happy with my life.

#PositivityChallenge #Day4

Day 4 of positivity: I had such an amazing day!! Went to church. Ironically the pastor talked about exactly what I was going through. How the devil uses those close to you to try to break your spirit but the attempt failed!! I got to spend  the day with my amazing family!! We went to a bbq, saw an amazing live band and spent an hour at the park. The twins are fast asleep now and I'm having movie night with my mom! I also got some amazing news!! My best friend Jon is coming in town and it's during my vacation!! In spite of events that happened this week so much good has happened. I am truly happy and blessed! #PositivityChallenge enjoying everyday  and every moment of my life. I'm making the habit of finding the good in any and everything.

#PositivityChallenge #Day3

Day 3 of positivity: The twins are amazing!! I love them so much! Being a parent is the scariest thing I've ever done. It's also the most responsible thing I've ever done. This morning the boys woke up and did what I do first thing. They pulled their pull ups down and peed. I am amazed by some of the things they do and say nowadays. Talib saw me dressed in my uniform. He said, "Mom, you're going to work?" I said, "Yea." He then says, "I want to go to work." That made my day. Had a great day at work. I kept a positive attitude and stayed true to myself. I didn't let any negative energy get to me. I also found someone to work a few days for me so I can attend a party. #PositivityChallenge your attitude will always affect how your day turns out.

#PositivityChallenge #Day2

Day 2 of positivity: My morning started off great!! My fiancée came over to see the twins off to school. He did flash cards with the boys. Tahir really surprised me, he knew everything and participated a lot. He is normally quiet. I am so happy that school is helping him!! Talib was his usual stubborn self. Lol He only interacted  when he wanted to and started knocking cards out of Jon's hand. My kindred spirit friend, Connie, from San Diego messaged me today! Sent me some words of encouragement right when I needed it!!  When you are happy and trying to keep a positive attitude people try to mess with you.  Isn't that crazy?? The attempts failed and I honestly had a great day at work. Sometimes having negative people around you makes you that way. I'm going to continue eating healthy and working on myself each day. #PositivityChallenge only dwell on the good, stay away from the bad!! 

#PositivityChallenge #Day1

Day 1 of positivity: I have never been a morning person but I take joy in seeing how excited my kids are when it's time for school. Although I'm tired, I make sure I see them off every morning. There is nothing like unconditional love. I can't believe I have two amazing little boys that love me. Being a mother is hard. In the beginning I felt like giving up. I was depressed because my relationship with their father didnt work out but BEHOLD we are doing great without him!! We make the habit of giving more attention to the negative instead of focusing on the positive. This is why I am starting the #PositivityChallenge!! Took joy in the little things in life like walking your children to the bus in the morning or making someone smile because you were nice to them. Life is too short to be angry and bitter all the time! When things get hard SMILE!! Find something good in every situation. Goodnight! Be blessed! I am thankful for all that I have and all that will come!!

Liar

When you loved someone unconditionally and trusted them 100% but find out that they lied to you, why do they always expect you to forgive them? What makes them think that you will ever fully trust them again? Why do they always expect the relationship to go back to what is was like nothing happen?? Why are you the bad guy when you don't want to deal with the person anymore?  Why do they always play the victim?? 

Groundhog Day

As I head to work via UBER, I think about my life.  I feel like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. Stuck doing the same bullshit I did yesterday.  Working a bullshit job alongside of assholes while providing a service for fuck head consumers. My job keeps people safe and I rarely get a thank you.  When I took the job I felt honored because I was making a difference in the world. Being verbally abused for eleven years while serving the public has taken its toll on me. I find myself falling into depression. Faking a smile and biting my tongue throughout the day. I can't cut the depression off either.  It tends to follow me home and on my off days. I know ...I know...why do I continue to work there?! For one,  it pays great considering that I'm a Columbia College Chicago dropout. For two, I'm a single mother.  I have twin boys to provide for so....I can't up and quit for peace of mind like I'd love to.  For three, I've been applying for jobs but no one is biting at my resume. That's what happens when you work at the same job for eleven years and have no other "real" experience. With that being said, I love the movie Groundhog Day. I have to do what he did and start making tiny changes everyday.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Look in the mirror
What do you see?
I see a stranger looking back at me.
I see sorrow
I see shoulders weighed down by the world
I see a tiny twinkle of hope left in the eyes
I see innocence
I see love
I see beautiful brow skin
I see strength
I see a strong black woman living in a world full of hate overcoming every obstacle thrown her way. 

(c) Dorian Shelton

This Is The Thing I Hate About Men

This is the thing that I hate about men! They like to talk to hear themselves talk. There is nothing more irritating than being forced to listen to someone talk about absolutely nothing! They want you to cook and clean for them but they aren't providing the food or cleaning supplies. They want to tell you how a woman should be or act but can you as a man build anything let alone fix something??! You want us to act classy and cover ourselves up but you stare at half naked women and lust after whores. Men always want you to let go of any "real" male friends you have. The kind of friends you'd never have sex with but genuinely love them like family. Oh, but they get to keep their so called female friends! Especially the ones they had sex with or wanted a serious relationship with but claimed it didnt work out because they are better as friends. Seems like men get the sweet end of every deal. Where do I sign up to be one??!

UBER fix it!!

I have a driver's license and I know how to drive.  I just don't like to drive,  I feel like I could be doing a million other productive things while someone else chauffeurs me around like - writing. Sometimes I see the same driver on a daily basis.  It never fails! 
The driver starts to get extremely comfortable with me and begins to tell me their life story. Then they feel the need to voice their opinions about current events. Let's not forget, advice you never asked for or wanted. I hate the "you should smile more" speech. Most people that use UBER are just trying to get to their destination safely without the stress of being forced to hold a conversation with a person for thirty plus minutes. You try to be courteous to the person that has your life in their hands. At what point do you say enough is enough, can you please be quiet??! I don't know about you but this ride to work is the only time I get peace and quiet in my life.  This is the only time I get to clear my head. I deal with thousands of people everyday on my job. My job requires me to constantly explain things to people that don't listen. When I get home after working an 8 hour shift, I have two energized three year olds to tend to. So I'm sorry but not sorry if I offend you with my silence.  

Decisions??!!!!

I have been through failed relationships and I always try my best not to bring that into the next relationship.
I've been lied to and cheated on.
I've also lied and cheated on someone.
It hurts - emotionally, mentally and physically.
I grew up a vowed never to be that careless 20something girl I use to be.
I stayed faithful, did everything I was suppose to do in my relationship and even provided for my man when he lost his job.
I was supportive and encouraging.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, reality set in for me.
I was focused on our future and he was focused on the right now.
We started growing apart.
I held on to the little bit of nothing we had left.
He proposed the day after my birthday.
I said, "Yes!"
I was happy that he started to see us a whole.
No, my belly just got bigger and I continued to work.
He claimed to be depressed because he wasn't working.
I tried to encourage him but that was short lived because he started lying about applying for jobs.
Fast forward to the twins being here and him going out partying more and forgetting where home is.
Our new apartment wasn't quite so new and ended up being infested with critters (mice).
I rushed myself and the twins away to nana's house and invited him with us but he moved in with his dad.
It was at that point that I knew our relationship was over.
He had the opportunity to be with his twin boys and the so called woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He decided to go stay with his dad so he can save money so we can be together again.
I guess that made sense in his head.
That day was the end of my relationship with the father of my children in my mind.
I felt like I was in a long distance relationship even though we were roughly 20 minutes away from each other.
I found myself calling him and checking in on him a lot.
It was often that I'd call him and he'd ignore me.
In my head I'm thinking he should answer every phone call because I have his children.
I got tired of always reaching out and contacting him so I stopped.
I was going to let him do the contacting.
I waited
I waited
I waited
A couple of weeks later he finally contacted me seeing how the kids were doing and that's how I knew we were through.
An old male friend that I never had intentions of ever dating at that time.
Saw that I was having issues via twitter.
He contacted me and we started playing catch up.
We started hanging out.
He started showing me how a woman should be treated with respect and dignity.
Opening doors, listening and understanding.
I never brought my boys around him because I didn't want to disrespect their dad.
Even tho he wasn't providing for his children or spending time with them like he should.
I never thought that I could move on from their dad and be vulnerable to another man.
I found myself opening up to this man.
When he finally met my boys they loved him and he loved them.
I was happy and complete.
He picked up the slack where their dad failed.
Things were absolutely perfect.
I let my guard down and trusted this man fully because he was my friend first and I knew him for years.
One day I pretended like I was going to snoop through his phone and jokingly read off the first name I saw.
We were on the expressway at the time and he nearly crashed his truck getting his phone out of my hand.
It was crazy because I was only joking.
I trusted him and I knew he had nothing to hide but boy was I wrong.
Found out he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who was unhappily married.
To this day I don't know what was said in those text messages but they were bad enough to delete and never show me.
He claimed that they were nothing but instead of showing me they were nothing I had to go by his word.
I broke up with him.
I was more upset that I wasted my kids time because they liked him so much. 
He started bringing gifts and kissing my ass to get me back in his life. 
I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me trust him again.
I guess that's the curse of being a gemini, once we find out you're a liar we never trust you again.
Another proposal later and here I am,  right back where I started.
I saw where hope got me last time.
Should I give this man another chance and be vulnerable?
Or should I just roll solo and continue to raise my boys without a father figure to look up to?

False Hope

What do you do when you feel like giving up?

Most religious people tell you to pray and ask GOD to heal you. 

Nowadays I feel like praying does nothing but give me false hope. 

People depend on an invisible person to make all of their dreams come true.

Instead of going out and making things happen for themselves. 

I've wasted most of my life praying and believing that this higher power is going to grant me everything I've always wanted just because I'm a good person. 

Doing that I never went out and tried to pursue my dreams because GOD was going to make this happen. 

It's amazing how we get comfortable with the idea of someone else watching us, keeping us safe and getting things done for us.

When we can actually do all of these things for ourselves in the end.

I believe that there is a higher power but I need to focus and get what I want out of life instead of praying 24/7 without the effort. 

Food for thought

Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you grow apart. If the woman loves the man more than he loves her it'll never work. If the man loves the woman more he will prove his love everyday until the day he dies. If the woman loves the man more he will use that to his advantage by using the woman and taking all he can until someone else catches his eye. Ladies when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing more than man ....RUN! People grow apart when one person in the relationship doesn't feel appreciated. The woman should never be the man in a relationship because if you are,  you're better off single. Just food for thought.

The Gift!

Someone special gave me an amazing gift last night. It came at the most perfect time. It was like I needed it.  Providing and carrying for twin boys solo is quite the task. At times, I feel like I'm going to lose my cool. Most of the time I feel like I am a horrible mother because all of this is new to me. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I feel like I don't know how to raise children, let alone without the help of their father. It's hard working full time and being a full time mother. Lately life has been stressful. I'm working to barely make ends meet. I always put my children's needs before mines. So if certain bills don't get paid so my children can eat and have diapers to poop and pee in then so be it. If I have to go to work in socks with holes in them and raggedy shoes so they can have fresh socks and comfy shoes then so be it. Sometimes I get angry with my children's father, I feel like he put me in this situation and just left me. He works he could call sometimes to see if his children needs something from time to time but he doesn't.  He feels like his children don't need his $ but his time. That statement would be true for someone that is unemployed but you are working. Here I am struggling with our children but he has went through two cars just this year. He currently has a new one. He has time to court other women and now claims to be in love with a woman. A woman he met on a single parents dating site. The irony in that! He gets to live his life like he has no children and can pretend to be daddy at his own convenience. While my job as a mommy is 24/7. While at work yesterday I checked my bank account and saw that I have $100 to last me until next saturday. I just broke down crying because I knew that I couldn't use it to pay bills because we are running out of food. I wiped my tears away and went back to work. Needless to say that my work day was long and depressing but I kept a smile on my face. My new boo picked me up from work and had a gift for me. He told me that he appreciates me and loves me for being such an amazing mother. He told me that he sees all of the sacrifices I make for my children. I go without so they can have what they need. He told me that this symbolizes my children and his love for me.  When I have a bad day at work or I'm stressed because my funds are low look at that ring and know that I am doing this for the love of my children. I broke down in tears. It's nice to know that someone genuinely cares about you and wants the best for you.  I am thankful to have this man in my life. He sees the good in me when I don't.  He helps me when I have nothing. Remember no matter what you're going through to count your blessings. Don't let what others fail to do affect you.  Things fall into place eventually.

Sorry I've Been Missing

Sometimes life moves forward so fast that you don't have time for the things you use to make time for. Sorry I neglected my small fan base. I appreciate those of you that do take the time out to read my thoughts. I am back! I am going to make it a habit to at least post something once a week or maybe everyday before bed.

The reason I breathe

Never thought I'd be a mother
Never thought I could love another
I was blessed with two
My boys cheer me up when I feel like I can't make it through
The stresses of life and the world takes over me
When I look by my side these two beautiful boys is all I see

Sorry

Sorry to myself
For losing myself

Writing has always been my first love!! I got so caught up with my day job, my family, my friends and life….. I lost what made me -ME!! Sometimes it takes someone outside of your circle to tell you something you already know. You need that reassurance!! I have to make it a habit to at least write something once a day. Instead of sitting back and feeling defeat I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago. I'm going to focus on what makes me happy.  WRITING!!!