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Monday, July 25, 2016

Decisions??!!!!


I have been through failed relationships and I always try my best not to bring that into the next relationship.
I've been lied to and cheated on.
I've also lied and cheated on someone.
It hurts - emotionally, mentally and physically.
I grew up a vowed never to be that careless 20something girl I use to be.
I stayed faithful, did everything I was suppose to do in my relationship and even provided for my man when he lost his job.
I was supportive and encouraging.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, reality set in for me.
I was focused on our future and he was focused on the right now.
We started growing apart.
I held on to the little bit of nothing we had left.
He proposed the day after my birthday.
I said, "Yes!"
I was happy that he started to see us a whole.
No, my belly just got bigger and I continued to work.
He claimed to be depressed because he wasn't working.
I tried to encourage him but that was short lived because he started lying about applying for jobs.
Fast forward to the twins being here and him going out partying more and forgetting where home is.
Our new apartment wasn't quite so new and ended up being infested with critters (mice).
I rushed myself and the twins away to nana's house and invited him with us but he moved in with his dad.
It was at that point that I knew our relationship was over.
He had the opportunity to be with his twin boys and the so called woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He decided to go stay with his dad so he can save money so we can be together again.
I guess that made sense in his head.
That day was the end of my relationship with the father of my children in my mind.
I felt like I was in a long distance relationship even though we were roughly 20 minutes away from each other.
I found myself calling him and checking in on him a lot.
It was often that I'd call him and he'd ignore me.
In my head I'm thinking he should answer every phone call because I have his children.
I got tired of always reaching out and contacting him so I stopped.
I was going to let him do the contacting.
I waited
I waited
I waited
A couple of weeks later he finally contacted me seeing how the kids were doing and that's how I knew we were through.
An old male friend that I never had intentions of ever dating at that time.
Saw that I was having issues via twitter.
He contacted me and we started playing catch up.
We started hanging out.
He started showing me how a woman should be treated with respect and dignity.
Opening doors, listening and understanding.
I never brought my boys around him because I didn't want to disrespect their dad.
Even tho he wasn't providing for his children or spending time with them like he should.
I never thought that I could move on from their dad and be vulnerable to another man.
I found myself opening up to this man.
When he finally met my boys they loved him and he loved them.
I was happy and complete.
He picked up the slack where their dad failed.
Things were absolutely perfect.
I let my guard down and trusted this man fully because he was my friend first and I knew him for years.
One day I pretended like I was going to snoop through his phone and jokingly read off the first name I saw.
We were on the expressway at the time and he nearly crashed his truck getting his phone out of my hand.
It was crazy because I was only joking.
I trusted him and I knew he had nothing to hide but boy was I wrong.
Found out he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who was unhappily married.
To this day I don't know what was said in those text messages but they were bad enough to delete and never show me.
He claimed that they were nothing but instead of showing me they were nothing I had to go by his word.
I broke up with him.
I was more upset that I wasted my kids time because they liked him so much. 
He started bringing gifts and kissing my ass to get me back in his life. 
I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me trust him again.
I guess that's the curse of being a gemini, once we find out you're a liar we never trust you again.
Another proposal later and here I am,  right back where I started.
I saw where hope got me last time.
Should I give this man another chance and be vulnerable?
Or should I just roll solo and continue to raise my boys without a father figure to look up to?

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